Confession

Friends, I want to let you know there are times I don't have it all together! Yes, I am a Nutritional Consultant and Wellness Coach.  I help others to overcome their issues with diet and food . I show them how to grab life by the balls and start living it. This is my passion and how I earn my living. I talk about it, I write about it, and for the most part I live it--every single day. The best way to teach is by example. But there are times I fall short.

One thing you will notice about me is that I am brutally honest and real. I openly share intimate details of my life and put it out there- on the Internet- for the whole world to see.  Perfect people make me nervous. No one is really perfect. Those who appear to be, are simply working overtime to hide their imperfections. They are just better at camouflaging. They can afford to buy the expensive concealer. But stand back and observe them for awhile. They completely avoid situations where they might get dirty or wet. If they don't, all their carefully applied cover-up might come off and the truth will be revealed.  I used to be like that and it was completely exhausting.  It;s so much easier to be transparent.

Confession: right now my whole world has been turned up-side down. I can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's there, but it's so dim and so far away that I am beginning to have my doubts.  So here I am desperately clinging to the walls of a damp, dark, musty cave; trying to find my way.

What's going on? Well, for starters, I am in full-blown menopause. I am a roller coaster of emotions. I laugh, I cry, I scream, I yell. I am having hot flashes. They are not too awful, but they are certainly uncomfortable. Out of nowhere they start and I feel as if I've been set on fire. The feeling starts at my feet and travels all the way up to the top of my head. My face turns red and everyone notices. This lasts a few minutes and .then I am freezing. Like a little old lady, I must carry a sweater with me everywhere.  I also have cravings: for chocolate. Chocolate is something I never craved before. Now I can't seem to get enough.  I am tired, I don't feel like cooking, shopping, or talking to anyone. My libido is zip, nada, zilch. That's a big problem. And.....I have put on a few pounds. Summer is right around the corner and I might not be beach ready! Oh. My. God!  I just started taking an herbal concoction especially for menopause and I am desperately hoping it kicks in before June arrives.

My relationship is a mess. We fight all the time. I don't know if it's him or me or both of us. Maybe we are just mismatched.  I can't figure it out. I keep blaming it on all the stress we are both under. Hopefully things will calm down and get better. If not, I have some big decisions to make.

My savings account is dwindling. I keep dipping into it. I am accustomed to earning more money and it's just not there right now. I know I need to cut back, but I am not sure where to start. I am not spending frivolously. I haven't bought a new pair of shoes in months! For me, that's a tragedy!

I am concerned about my dad. He is battling cancer. He just completed 6 weeks of daily radiation and chemotherapy. He is recovering from that, and then he will have surgery to remove the cancerous tumor. Then he gets to look forward to 6 more months of chemo. The real hard part hasn't even started yet. I am terrified: for him, for my mom, and for myself. Can he handle it? And are we strong enough to support him as we watch him suffer?  And.....what will we do if he doesn't survive?

My beloved son is in trouble. Serious trouble and I can't help him. All I can do is be there for him and lend support when I can or when he asks for it. He is grown man, on his own. He makes his own decisions and he is making some very foolish ones. I want to grab him and shake some sense into him. But I can't.  I just need to continue to love him, unconditionally.

I am sad, concerned, and frightened. I can't sleep. I can't eat and when I do, I tend eat crap- foods I know are not good for me. And the hardest part of all this- there are times I feel very, very alone. I have friends, family and loved ones but they are all dealing with their own stuff. I don't want to pile my burdens on top of theirs.

Why am I sharing all this with you? I am not looking for sympathy. I don't want money or advice. I 'll take your prayers and kind, loving thoughts if you wish to send them my way. I am sharing this to let you know, you are not alone. We all have issues and concerns, fears and short-comings. Mine are no greater or less than yours. My life is just as messy as yours is. Admitting this is the first step toward healing.

Every struggle is for a purpose and I know there is something wonderful on the horizon. I just have to wade through all this shit first. Nothing is worth having if it just drops in my lap with little or no effort. I treasure what I fight for, cry over, and fall on my knees and desperately pray for.

How will everything turn out? I don't know. I keep looking toward the light. I might not see it clearly, but I know it's there.  I just have to keep moving and feeling my way through the darkness.

When I reach the end of this tunnel and finally step into the light, I will have wonderful and new, exciting things to share with you.  I am beginning to understand our trials make us stronger so we can help others find strength as well.

This is my hope. This is my prayer. This is my Daily Cyn......