Wednesday, July 20, 2011

It's JUST Dinner, So Why Do I Keeping Saying NO?

So......there's this guy. Nice guy. Older, established, employed. Has his head together. At least as far as I can tell. If he doesn't, I am sure I will find out. He calls to chat a few times a week.  He sends text messages inquiring about my father or to ask "How you doing, girl?"

He keeps asking me to dinner.  I keep declining.

I have a pretty good excuse. Most people would understand my reasons for saying no right now. Unless they don't have a heart. This guy obviously has one. He keeps asking. I keep rejecting (for valid reasons, of course). He's persistent and assures me he's not giving up. Sometimes, I wish he would. But I am also glad he hasn't yet. I'm so confused. If I don't say yes one of these days, he will move on to someone else. He probably should. My life is a bit of a mess.

Honestly, what guy in right his mind would even consider getting involved with me now? I burst into tears at the drop of a hat and go to bed early most nights because I'm physically and emotionally drained. My companion of choice these days is my cat. He demands nothing from me except a clean litter pan, a dish full of food, and an occasional pat on the head. That's about all the love I have to spread around lately. Unless this new guy has some kind of Messiah Complex. He's gonna come and solve all my problems. Yeah, okay! That type of man comes in and takes over your life. Been there. Done that. Don't wish to do it again.

Perhaps he's just a nice, normal guy. Maybe he is real man. It's been a long time since I've met one of those......

What's wrong with me? It's just dinner. What's the harm in sharing a meal with a seemingly normal, nice, sympathetic gentleman? I am sure he'll pay. Not that money is an issue. I can afford to buy my own dinner. He doesn't strike me as the type who would expect me to reach into my purse. After my last relationship, where I foot the bill for everything, that's a refreshing thought.

So.....what's my problem?

I am the type of person who always digs down to the root of things. The heart of the issue. I believe there is a motive or a reason for everything we say and do (or don't) and how we act.  I see messages in the little things. So here I sit, trying to evaluate my reasons for constantly saying no to this really nice guy who keeps asking me to dinner. I am not worried that he isn't going to like me. He obviously already does. So what is it?

Yes, my father has cancer. He just had surgery and was in the hospital. It was scary and we were nervous. But my dad came home yesterday and is doing better than expected. We need to care for him but there's no need to be at his side 24/7. Most of the time, he sleeps. We have a nurse coming to help. And, my mom, God bless her,  is always around.

 I can certainly slip away for a few hours. It's been ages since I've gone anywhere or done anything. God knows, I could use a evening out. A little wining and dining from a kind gentleman would probably work wonders for me right now.

Here's the question I need to ask myself.  Am I using my father's illness to avoid certain things? OUCH! That hurts. But, maybe it's true. I mean, come on, I have the perfect excuse. That's exactly what it is: an excuse. A cover-up. Everyone gets sick. Everyone has problems. But life goes on. No one expects me to stop living or to put my life on hold. And if my dad knew I was refusing the invitations of a decent guy, he would be so upset. He wants me to be happy and enjoy life. He keeps asking me why I am not going out.

The truth? I am scared. I don't want to get involved with someone new because I don't want to be hurt. AGAIN. I am so tired of being disappointed and damaged by little boys in men's bodies. I just want to be happy and peaceful. So rather put myself back out there, I keep saying no. I keep telling this guy, I WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH YOU BUT NOT RIGHT NOW. It's not fair of me to keep stringing him along. If this was someone I had absolutely no interest in at all, I would have told him to get lost ages ago.

FEAR. It's a killer.............

What I need to do is get brutally honest and work on this fear thing. I need to overcome it and stop making excuses. Hopefully, I can work it all out before this guy gives up completely. After constant rejection, eventually even I would stop asking. Or I would say, when you're ready, give me a call but no there's no guarantee I will still be available. Wouldn't you?

Get to the heart of the matter, folks. It's important we understand ourselves and the reasons behind why we do the things we do. Especially when it comes to saying no to invitations and opportunities for growth, love or advancement. If we don't examine our hearts and search for the truth within, we will just keep repeating the same mistakes and miss out on living extraordinary lives.

There a few days left to this week and I plan on working on me. It's all quiet on the western front, so I can take time for myself. By Friday, I plan to say yes to that dinner invitation and enjoy an evening out with a charming gentleman. I will let you know how it goes.

And this is my Daily Cyn.......

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