Why I Am Terrified of Relationships.......

Perhaps it's because I've been under the weather for the past few days, but I am beginning to feel a little lonely.  I have a bit of head-cold and a fever. Minor aches and pains. And I am tired. Very tired. So I've been sleeping- a lot. In between slipping in and out of consciousness, I've been thinking how nice it would be to have a loving partner here to occasionally rub my back, prop up the pillows or serve me a cup of hot tea. Then he can go back to whatever he was doing.

 Ahhh.... the perks of being in a relationship and the lonliness that comes with being single. Maybe it's time to start opening myself to the idea of being a part of something- try a relationship one more time. Then again, given my track record, maybe not.

I am terrified of relationships.  After a few failed ones, at forty-nine years old, I don't know how much more disappointment I can take. I don't think I am the problem.  I am far from perfect but I am easy-going, non-demanding, independent, secure. I am not clingy and don't expect to be wined and dined 24/7.  I am not moody or selfish. I'm usually happy and positive and willing to do or try just about anything. I am loving,  forgiving, kind and generous. I think I am pretty good catch so......what's the problem?

Finding guys who want to be with me is never difficult. I just can't seem to find the right guy. They start out right- everything is just peachy- but soon, everything changes. And it's not me......it's THEM! They get lazy. They stop trying. It's like once they know they've got me, they relax and give up. I try harder and eventually I get so frustrated that I stop trying.  Then I bolt;  leaving them completely stunned because they have no idea what went wrong.

I watched a movie called Spread the other day with Ashton Kutcher. He plays an adorable character named Nikki who you don't want to like but can't help but love. In the end, a very sad movie. Nikki is a 'player'. He has all the right words and the perfect moves and a string of girls (young and old)  following him everywhere he went. His advice to guys was this:

"Pretend to enjoy doing everything she does. Like what she likes. Sweep her off her feet by listening to her, holding her, making love to her all night long and then.....once she's hooked on you, you can go back to watching football!"

Oh. My. God! If this doesn't describe every relationship I've been in! Men who appear to be everything I want but once I fall for them, they become something I don't recognize. They are no longer who I first fell in love with and definitely not the kind of guy with whom I would want to spend my time.  But by that point, it's tough to leave because my heart is involved. So I sit there completely puzzled, racking my brains trying to figure out what I did wrong.  I think maybe I can get it back to the way it used to be so I pull out all the stops but nothing works. Eventually I leave, bruised, broken and feeling like a failure.  What I find really amusing is; they never want to leave me.

Perhaps you're thinking I expect too much or that I am too needy. Really, I'm not. I don't expect or need or ask for much. Really, I don't.


I just want a little of this:

Fun times like this...........

Every once in awhile a bit of this...........

A few warm cozy nights like this...........

I would even be happy with this............

And God knows I need lots of this............

And every so often, a little of this...........

I don't think that's too much to ask. I am not asking for big bank accounts, fancy cars and beach-front property. All I want is honesty, time, love and tenderness. I tell guys upfront what I am looking for in a relationship and in the beginning, they are all for it. They say they want exactly the same things. I don't live in fairy-tale land. I know it can't be sunshine and roses all the time. We have lives, jobs, children, aging parents and bills. The wild and crazy, eating, breathing, sleeping that other person 24/7 and those thrilling 'I just can't get enough of you' feelings mellow over time and should evolve into something normal, secure, comfortable and sweet. I don't toss the baby out with the bath water when the newness and excitement of the relationship begins to wear off.

Eventually I have no choice but to give up on relationships because the guy always becomes like this:

Like the Ashton Kutcher character. "Okay, she's hooked. Now I can go back to who I really am!"

And I become a miserable, screaming shrew because all I want is the original guy I fell for. Hold me, kiss me, talk to me, take me some place, show me a little glimpse of the man I love-- anything but THIS!

I have a life. I have friends, interests and things to do. But when I am with a guy, I want to be with him. If I am sharing my life, then I want to live life- with him. I want to do things and go places with him. And when we are spending a quiet evening at home, I need to know he's happy to be there with me. I don't want to compete with what's on TV or his buddies or feel less important than the half-a-dozen naps he takes on Sundays.  I don't want to be told to shut up, turned off or tuned out. I want him to listen to me and if he can't for whatever reason, then TELL ME. Not now, honey, I want unwind, or hear this, watch this, or go for a beer with the guys but later we will talk! If he wants to take a nap, heck, I'll join him. Nothing would make me happier than to curl up in his arms on a lazy afternoon for an hour or two.  If it leads to other things--great. If it doesn't, that's okay, too. What happened to the man who was so happy to just hold me? Doesn't he exist any more? Or I am suddenly unworthy of being held? Sorry guys, but these are some of the endearing qualities you show us that attract us and win us over. When you take them away from us, it hurts.

Sadly, my impression of most men is that they just really want to be left alone. They can spend all day with their buddies, drinking, watching sports and playing cards but it when it comes to women, they really don't want us around. I think they tolerate us just in case they roll over and decide they want us for-- well, you know. Once they get that, they want to be left alone again.  And then they have the audacity to complain when we come to bed wearing a pair of old sweats instead of corsets and garters and thongs!

Hey, there are times I want to be alone, too. At least I have the decency to tell you. Give me an hour to soak in the tub, unwind after work, chat on the phone, do my computer work or watch this program and then I am all yours! I don't understand why I can't find a man willing to give me the same respect. Oh, and a little advice: you want corsets and garters and thongs? Turn off the TV, get out of the recliner and pay attention to me outside of the bedroom. Every night will be a Frederick's of Hollywood fashion show with me! Just sayin.............

This is why I choose not be in relationships. I would rather decide to be alone than be forced to feel that way by some guy. I never give anyone my left-overs. I don't want someone else's. I want it off the top, to be a priority, not some chore you have to finish to shut me up. And so far, I have not found a man who can be this way . Perhaps I am looking in the wrong places. I really don't know. Or maybe, just maybe, every man I've ever been with  never really and truly loved me. That could be it. I mean, come on, when you love someone, don't you want to be with them, spend time, do things, enjoy each other? You don't want to shut them up or shut them out- you want to draw them in and keep them close.

The funny thing is, I am not the only gal who feels this way. Most women I talk to believe they've been duped, fooled by a man who is nothing like the original they fell for. And now they're trapped in this cycle of wishing, hoping and trying to get something back that quite honestly, never really existed.  I am beginning to believe that the heart of a man is so guarded that they very rarely, if ever, truly fall in love. When they do, more power to the women who capture their hearts. And if you are man in love, I am sure your woman doesn't feel she's been fooled because you've always been the real deal with her. And because you love her, you don't pretend to be something other than who you really are. Why? Because if you aren't really what she wants and needs, you love her enough to let her go and find the one who is.

My heart longs to be part of something real so I will keep searching. And I will keep trying. One of these days I will find the one who will fall in love with me and trust me to hold his heart and know I will treasure it like my own.
   
Or.....perhaps when I start feeling better, I will give this up these ridiculous ideas about love and relationships and just go back to enjoying my single life!  Who knows?

But I do know this........I refuse to settle for anything less than the best so until then........happy hunting.............

And this is my Daily Cyn..............