Thursday, July 28, 2011

Flying Solo

When people discovered I was suddenly single, the shocks were felt around the world. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration-- but the news did take most of my family and friends by surprise. After ten years of living life as a single gal (and loving it) I decided to try a relationship. I fell in love, but sadly, love is not always enough. My relationship lasted exactly two years. There was no screaming, yelling or name-calling. There were no tears. It just slowly fizzled to an end.

I didn't shout the news of my relationship changge from the roof tops. People began to realize it was over when I started arriving to events alone or saying "No, he won't be coming with me" when accepting invitations. I have nothing bad to say about him and I don't sit around chatting with the girls about all the awful things he did to me. We were awful to each other. That is why it ended.

When it was discovered and confirmed that I was once again flying solo, the phone calls and messages began pouring in. "Girl, have I got the guy for you!"  Everybody wanted to set me up with somebody.  My folks, who recently returned from a visit with family in Virginia found the perfect man for me and insisted I get in the car immediately and drive down there to meet him! Oh. My. God!

A friend of a friend of a friend some how managed to get a hold of my picture and phone number and he called. And he called. And he called. I chatted with him a few times and he seemed pretty decent. After a month of declining his persistent requests to meet for dinner, I finally accepted.  He found me charming, funny and attractive and I just couldn't keep saying no to someone so darn tenacious.

I met him on familiar territory (my favorite restaurant) sight unseen.  I really had no clue what he looked like but for me, it's not all about looks. He was pleasing to the eye: nice face, kind eyes, strong nose, good teeth. He was a bit shorter than I prefer but hey-- my ex-boyfriend was only an inch taller than me and in my heels (which I ALWAYS wear) I towered over him. It's really not that big a deal.

I sat and enjoyed a lovely dinner. He was a nice guy. We talked for hours and had a few things in common. Not once did I sit there comparing him to you know who nor did I feel sorry or sad because he wasn't the other one. (We girls have a bad habit of doing that). He gave me a tiny, harmless little peck on the lips before we parted (I was nervous about the whole good-bye thing because I had no desire to really kiss him, if you know what I mean) and I went home. My parents were waiting at the door like two excited puppies when I returned. "Well, how did it go? Did you like him? Was it love at first sight? Are you going to see him again?" 

Ah..... my parents. They will never be satisfied until they believe their daughter is happy.  Happy = Man. This seems to be the popular opinion of most of my friends and loved ones. I beg to differ and nobody seems to understand this.

The dinner guy did call again, expressing his desire to see me. I politely declined. I am much too nice to use the "It's not you, it's me" excuse. I did explain I really have too much on my plate to get involved with anyone. This is not a lie. Knowing my present circumstances, he understood. Everyone else thinks I am crazy. Why not be spoiled with dinners and dancing, theatre and trips with a nice guy? Even if you don't really like him, perhaps you will grow to like him. Go out and have fun! He's paying and it's better than being alone.  It doesn't work that way for me. Nothing and no one ever grows on me. The spark is either there or it's not. I do not think it's right to continue dating him. I am not comfortable using him for an occasional night out on the town. I can pay for my own nights out, thank you very much. And as for being alone, quite frankly, I prefer it. For now.

I have a girlfriend who recently ended a three year relationship. It was a painful dramatic ending. She was devastated, yet one week later, she jumped  right into another committed relationship. She has had serious boyfriends since she was sixteen years old. She's never been without a guy. This just boggles my mind. For more than half her life she has always belonged to someone else. How on earth will she ever discover herself when her identity is always wrapped up in some guy? Doesn't she need a break? Time to heal, reconnect with herself, learn from her mistakes? Room to breathe?  Damn! I took a ten year hiatus from relationships before I took that plunge and realized in the end, I still have so much to learn about myself.

I am not afraid to be alone. There are times I think I am destined to be single for the rest of my life. But when I search deep within my heart, I really do want a man.  I am not looking for someone to complete me but a best friend, lover and someone to grow old with would nice.  I just haven't met him yet. Evidently, I am still not ready. There's a whole lot of work that still needs to be done- on me. But make no mistake, the inner work I do on myself is not in preparation for the man of my dreams. I want be ready for what life has in store for me--single, married, whatever.

I do not wish to meet any body's boss, friend, brother, cousin, uncle, or father. Not right now. I honestly and truly wish to be by myself for a little while. I have no problem dining alone, being the third wheel, or walking into a club without a man on my arm.  If my friends and loved ones take issue with this, it is what it is--their problem!

I really don't mind flying solo for awhile. I can steer in any direction I want. Discover the strength of my own wings. Fly over new or familiar territory. Land in places that look interesting. Stay. Leave. My choice. This is the right course at the right time for me.. Alone.....onward and upward.

And this is my Daily Cyn......

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