Friday, July 15, 2011

I Love Being Single!

Most of you know I recently ended a relationship. It was my first REAL committed relationship in almost a decade.  It lasted exactly two years. The first year together, despite a few obstacles, was pretty good. The second year was awful enough to not want a third.

All kinds of things run through your head when a relationship ends. No matter who is responsible for calling it quits, there's always heartache, disappointment and sorrow. Honestly, I am experiencing a great deal of disappointment. Disappointment in him for not being the person he claimed to be. But, mostly, I am disappointed in myself. After being single for so long and all the emotional work I've done, you'd think I would know how to choose the right guy. But NO! So I've been emotionally beating myself for being so STUPID STUPID STUPID! I am forty-nine years old, for God's sake! How many chances at this am I gonna get?

It's not all his fault. In fact, the reason the relationship ended is because of me. He is who he is and perhaps there is another woman out there willing to put up with the things I did. If so, more power to her! I couldn't do it. I also to lean toward the persuasion that I am simply destined to be single. I am independent, strong-willed, stubborn and very set in my ways. I endured a very bad marriage for many years so I have an awful taste in my mouth concerning love, commitment, and relationships.  I know I am not easy to deal with because of that.

Anyone who gets involved with me is going to have to understand I have a little bit of baggage. He will also have to tolerate my temper tantrums when I sense any signs of control or ownership.

It would be perfectly fine with me to remain single for however many years I have left on this earth. I can come and go as I please. Do whatever I want. Not have to answer to anyone. I love my freedom. What I hated about my last relationship was all demands placed upon me, having to give an account for every second of my time, explaining why I didn't return a phone call or a text message quickly enough, and sacrificing everything I wanted to do in order to do what he wanted. And most of the time, he just wanted to sit around and do absolutely NOTHING.

If this is what it means to be in a relationship, NO THANKS! I'll stay single! I know what you are thinking. I JUST HAVEN'T FOUND THE RIGHT GUY! Perhaps...... but at my age, if I haven't found him yet, he probably doesn't exist.

I had a long conversation about all this with my mom yesterday during all our trips to and from the hospital to visit my dad. When I finally settled in for the night, I went over all of it in my mind. Yep. I think I will just stay single the rest of my life, I like my life. I can take care of myself. I am financially independent. I am strong. I am secure. I don't need or want a man. Okay.... they are good for a few things. I just don't want to be attached to one 24/7. In other words- no more relationships!

And then my head began to pound. It was at that moment I realized I hadn't eaten a thing all day.  I have hypoglycemia. I am not supposed to go long periods of time without food. It can be very dangerous.

 I want and need my freedom. I want to live my life on my terms. I don't want to become someone else's property, be controlled, or sacrifice my life in order to exist with someone else. I could call any number of my single guy friends and ask them to take me to dinner or satisfy a physical need or two any time I want. That's not the problem.

Last night I found myself longing for someone to take care of me. A guy so in tune with me and what is going on in my life now that he simply says," Baby, I know you had a rough day so I am taking you to dinner!" That kind of sensitivity only exists in a solid, healthy relationship. I can't win!

I do need to fly solo for awhile right now. I can't get involved with anyone. At this point, I get sick to my stomach at the idea of even meeting a guy for coffee. Guys keep asking. I keep declining. I need to heal. I need to do some inner house-cleaning so I don't make another mistake. I need to learn how to recognize the right guy and to run for the hills immediately when I come in contact with the wrong one. And, I need to stop believing the lie that I am perfectly content to remain single the rest of my life.

I don't really want to be alone. After all, there are two chairs on the porch of my dream home! It will remain empty until I can find someone to sit beside me, hold my hand, and gaze at the stars on quiet evenings. The kind of guy, who doesn't want run my life, or force me to fit into his.  I will just continue to wait for the right guy who simply wants to share one life..... with me.

And this is my Daily Cyn.........

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