Monday, October 10, 2011
He's Just Not That Into You!!
"If he's not moving hell or high water to get to you, if he doesn't call to let you know not to wait for him because he can't make it, if he's not banging your door down the next day to make it up to you because he didn't or couldn't show up the night before- DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM! Unless he's dead, in a coma, bleeding out, or all his bones are broken -HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!" -Cynthia
I want to share a little personal story with you for two reasons:
1. I need to vent because I am a little pissed off (at myself)
2. I KNOW I am not the only one guilty of making excuses for other people--especially when it comes to men.
Girls--this is for you. Guys--don't stop reading. You might learn something.............
This past weekend, I got stood up!
Never, in all my years of dating has that ever happened to me. It wasn't a blind date or anything like that. It was an opportunity, an extending of the proverbial olive branch, an attempt to give someone I love and who claims to love me another chance............
Let me explain......
There's this guy who says he loves me. He continuously sends text messages affirming his love for me. He misses me. He wants me back. He tells me he's changed and I owe it to US to give him another chance! Now mind you, he knows where I live. He's been to my house hundreds of times. Not once, since we broke up, has he shown up at my door asking to see me. I haven't received any love notes or cards in the mail. No deliveries from the local florist. All the different occasions when he knew I was going to be at such and such a place at such and such a time (we have the same friends), he's never shown up. Not that I am looking for all that. I'm just sayin'.....! He's never called to hear my voice. He just keeps sending me text messages.
Are you getting the picture?
Last Tuesday, he made a little extra effort and asked if I would consider meeting him for a drink. I texted back that I really didn't have much free time. This is the truth. I don't have much time. However, if he really wanted to see me, he could "come down to the comedy club on Saturday night around 9:30 because that's where I'll be".
I was meeting friends down there--my friends. Friends who don't know the details of our relationship. I thought it might be nice if we could all have a drink or two in a casual setting, share a few laughs, some conversation, and then go home. I figured this was safe spot to meet. We certainly wouldn't argue in a public place. I had arranged for my friends to pick me up and drive me home so there would be no temptation to 'stop at his place' on the way home. It would be like a real date. We never really actually dated. We started hanging out in a bar and it kind of evolved into a committed relationship. There was no chasing or courting or winning my affection. That was a MISTAKE I will never make again!
I thought he would jump at the opportunity to spend some time with me. Why? Because he claims to love and miss me so much! He has not seen or actually spoken to me in almost five months! The tickets to the show were free with a two drink minimum. So for the low, low price of around twelve bucks, he could have a nice evening out with me. I am a modern gal. I don't need a man to pay for my drinks, especially when I know he doesn't have much money. Not a bad deal, huh?
He rattled off a list of excuses:
1. he would feel stupid showing up there in front of my friends
2. he wanted to be alone so we could "talk" (in other words: let's get drunk and have sex)
3. he had transportation problems
Honestly, I think he expected me to change my plans to accomodate him on my first night off in several months. I wasn't about to do that! I'm not that foolish.
I questioned his transportation issue.
"If you have no car, how were you planning to meet me for a drink this week?"
He said if he had to, he would walk.
"If you really want to see me, meet me around 9:30 on Saturday night."
He said he would try.
TRY? Either you will or you won't. There is no try.
That's how I left it with him. I never heard another word until Saturday around 7PM.
Another text message and more excuses............
He was uncomfortable with the idea of just showing up. He had no car. He was waiting for a family member to come home so he could borrow that car. He was trying to make it happen. I responded with a simple "OKAY". I went on to the club with my friends and just in case, left word at the front desk that another guest might be arriving late. I wasn't holding my breath, though. I knew he wasn't going to show. I knew because he has disappointed me several times before. There's a pattern. And each time, I made excuses for him. It was time to put the love he claimed to have for me to the test, once and for all.
He never did show up. He didn't even bother to text me to let me know he wasn't showing up. Trust me, I didn't wait for him, either. I didn't sit there checking my phone every five seconds. I purposely sat with my back to door so I couldn't see whether he arrived or not. I didn't continuously gaze around the room just in case he couldn't get to our table and was sitting someplace else until the show ended. I enjoyed the company of good friends and laughed until my sides hurt. I had a great night.
I eventually did receive a text message as I was climbing into bed later around 2AM. "Sorry I missed the opportunity to see you." I never responded. This guy is no fool. He knows he blew it big time. There's no getting into my good graces now. The sad part is--he doesn't care.
Perhaps I am a romantic dreamer, but I think if you love someone, you will move heaven and hell to make it happen. Who cares if you feel stupid? I always do stupid things when I am in love because I not thinking about myself--I am thinking about the other person!
This guy had five days to plan, beg, borrow or steal a car to come and meet me. Instead, he waited until the last minute and couldn't make arrangements. No phone call? No text to let me know he couldn't make it? "I'm so sorry, baby, I can't get there but I will make it up to you tomorrow or the next day." That might have worked. Things happen. Cars break down. People won't lend you their car because they have plans. I get it. I am not that heartless. How about taking the train or a cab? Hey! Where's there's a will, there's a way. I took two different trains and the subway just to spend one weekend a month with a guy I cared about a few years ago. My high school sweetheart used to walk five miles to my house to spend time with me. When some one is important, you make it happen. And if you can't for whatever reason, you let them know. And you make it up to them. ALWAYS. If your guy or girl or even your best friend is NOT doing this is for you, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.
The point of my story is this- Don't make excuses for people! The old me would have thought of a hundred different reasons why this guy didn't show. When I love someone and they let me down, it's easier to make excuses for them. Why? Because it makes me feel like less of an idiot. And, it's a whole lot easier to lie to myself than it is to face the truth: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!
I am not hurt. I am relieved. I know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it's time to let go of any hopes that one day he and I would find a way to work this thing out. He let me know exactly where his heart is and it certainly isn't with me. I am a bit angry with myself for letting it drag on this long. That's what happens when you love someone. You don't want to give up. You want to keep believing the best.
So...... you keep making excuses!
Put love to the test. The person who claims to love you might shout it from the roof-tops but if they aren't willing to walk through heaven and hell for you, they don't love you. And if you are not willing to do the same for them, it's time for a reality check. You are wasting your time. Let go and move on! Forgive. Forgive them and forgive yourself. And don't settle until you get the love you want!
Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and The City) said it best:
"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love!"
That's what I want and I am not about to make any excuses!
And this is my Daily Cyn.......